1. Black dressing gown - $15AUD from $49.95AUD
2. Jewellery set - $9.90AUD from $29.95AUD
3. Clutch/purse - $10AUD from $29.95AUD
4. Spotted blouse - $10AUD from $59.95AUD
5. Fleecy jacket - $20AUD from $99.95AUD
6. Gold top - $5AUD from $39.95AUD
7. Black/grey dress - $5AUD from $49.95AUD
8. Black blouse - $10AUD from $59.95AUD
9. Gold dress + two jumpsuits - $10AUD from $179.85AUD
10. Brother’s zipup hoodie - $10AUD from $30AUD

So, I spent $105AUD, when the combined retail value was supposed to be $629.45AUD (a rough guestimate based on internet research as some items didn’t have an “original” price marked). Essentially, I paid 16% of the original price. The final percentage was skewed somewhat by the “three for $10AUD” purchase (it would have been 21% otherwise), but obviously, I think I’m still proven to be shopping!1337.

Plugs to Nellie for coming closest to the actual figure with a guess of $600AUD…and no love to Xuan who joke-guessed $601.50AUD, then reverted to a more conventional guess of $450AUD-$500AUD.

And in other news, it’s really hard trying to hold a debate about the American presidential race in Chinese with my father when you don’t know the words for abstinence, hypocritical, fundamentalist, Alaska and stupid-lying-skank-ho. You tend to revert to long-winded explanations of the terms, loosely translating to “not doing it”, “doing what they tell people not to do”, “unrealistic people who think it’s okay to dictate every little thing society does”, “state of ice, snow, and polar bears”, and “stupid-lying-skank-ho”.

…surprising, stupid-lying-skank-ho is the same in every language.

The first purchase of the day - a black satin dressing gown by Crystelle. I bought it for $15AUD. It has the most darling elasticised/lacey cuffs, so you get a kind of puffy sleeve effect. Plus, it hides whatever naughtiness I might be wearing underneath. Not that I would be wearing any. Cause, you know, I’m an innocent little girl.

Earring and necklace jewellery set from Diana Ferrari. I didn’t actually buy it for myself (I have enough jewellery as it is), but rather, I bought it to keep on hand as a present for a girl friend, or a cousin. I’m terrible with remembering birthdays, so when possible, I do try to keep a bit of a stash of potential gifts tucked away in a drawer, so I can just pull one out at the last minute without worrying about what to buy. $9.90AUD.

A red satin purse/clutch by Olga Berg for $10AUD. Most of those who know me, know that my wardrobe largely consists of black, white, and grey. I’m entirely monochrome. I do however, love brightly coloured accessories, and will often dress simply (e.g. simple black dress), but pair it with shockingly electric purple heels, or a bright red hat. This purse is exactly the type of focal point to an outfit that I like.

Bardot spotted chiffon blouse for $10AUD. It’s very much a ‘good girl’ blouse, as in it’s so discreet and well-behaved that I can wear it to something quite subdued…din-dins at the fella’s parents home for example. Or, work, if I ever get a job.

Bardot grey fleecy sweater/jacket for $20AUD. The fleece lining makes it incredibly warm - I’m currently wearing the jacket with opaque tights and nothing else, and I’m as warm as toast! Keep in mind of course, that Melbourne is barely out of winter, so this is no mean feat. $20AUD is a bit more than I would normally pay for a single item, but as my wardrobe is severely lacking in the warmth department, it was sorely needed purchase.

Sass gold strappy top for $5AUD. It hangs really awkwardly on the hanger, but it’s actually really cute on, especially with that little gold butterfly sequined brooch. It’s also long enough to be a super-mini-dress (tights and a black slip underneath a must!), so it’s versatile!

Sass black/grey dress for $5AUD. It’s very much a straight line dress, so as a woman who, at the best of times, can be called curvy, it rather clings around the hips. However, as I’d bought it with the intention of shortening it and turning it into a top, it’s a good buy with really unique sleeves.

Sass black cotton shirt type thing with satin edging and detailing for $10AUD. I’m just impressed that it does up over my bust, as I have notorious difficulty with getting shirts to actually fit my chest without popping buttons. Mammaries, why you gotsa be so big? I’d contemplate creating a line of clothing specifically for women with DD+ chests, but, well, I’m lazy.

Sass gold dress, purchased in a “three for $10AUD” deal (more later)…so….$3.33AUD? Yeah. Less than the price of lunch at MacDonald’s. I really love the ruched sleeves on this dress, it really jazzes up what would otherwise be a fairly boring dress. The colour as well, is a lot more golden than the photo shows.

I also bought a blue zip-up hoodie for my brother ($10AUD), and two satin jumpsuits in black and dark chocolate brown (part of the three for $10AUD deal). As I didn’t get a chance to try the jumpsuits on, they didn’t look as good as I’d envisioned in the warehouse. I might try to alter them (turn the shorts into a skirt, so it’s a tunic rather than a jumpsuit), but if not, I’ll probably offer it to my friends and see if they want it.

And now the game - I listed the prices that I got the items for (the final bargain price), but as everyone knows, I never buy things at their full retail price. How much do you think the combined recommended retail price (e.g. the original price) of these items was? Keep in mind that I ended up spending $105AUD in total yesterday. Kudos and plugs to whoever comes closest to the actual price.

On a brighter note, I did get the chance to spend much of today with Alex. Sure, I made an ironing run early in the morning beforehand, and just came back from another ironing run at 10pm at night, but! A good eight/nine hours of girliness with Alex! Nothing takes my mind off things more than shopping!

Our local shopping mall is having a month of freebies to celebrate spring. We took advantage of the free Toblerones (mmm…), of a free manicure each, and of course, of some shopping. But, as shopping at the biggest mall in Melbourne apparently wasn’t enough, we decided to hightail to Ikea on the other side of town and browse through mass-produced homewares (I bought microwavable food containers!), and then hit up a couple of warehouse clothing sales.

All in all, we went from 10am in the morning to 6.30pm in the evening, and by my calculations, gave around $400AUD to the retail industry between us. Thankfully, we got goods in return for the dosh…goods that shall be described in further detail, with photos, in tomorrow’s entry. LOTS OF GOODS, LOTS OF CLOTHES! Mmm, clothes.

There are two main reasons for this reticence. The first, my current lack of writing at length in English (my university classes this semester are primarily all in the Chinese language, so no essays in English) has meant that I need to get my rambling-at-length fix from somewhere. The second, I’ve not been particularly happy the past couple of weeks. For a while earlier this year, everything was peachy, but recently, things are dark, and I don’t do dark blogging. I find it hard to post rants about how bad everything is going, and how I hate the world, and general misery. That would be expressing feelings that I’m not comfortable sharing. Escaping the realities of unhappiness with impersonal entries about broader issues is a better option.

With this said, I do realise that I need to face and address the situation I’m in, for my own mental wellbeing if nothing else. So here I go, setting it all down in print.

Family

On the bright side, my parents’ cleaning/ironing service is really shaping up. Their mornings are booked out during the week for cleaning, and my mother is ironing a load of laundry each night. Day-to-day family expenses are being funded by the ironing, with a quarter of the cleaning money paying monthly and quarterly bills. They’re saving a few hundred each week towards their retirement, which makes my penny-pinching mother happy.

On the downside, my own time is severely curtailed as a result. I do a good five or more ironing drives a week to my mother’s clients, picking up and delivering loads of ironing, as well as being the contact person for their cleaning and ironing clients, so I’m making no less than three or four calls each day. I’d be happy to do so under normal circumstances, but though this type of work takes up a good ten or so hours a week, there’s been no lenience given in any other work I do at home. I’m not spared from washing the dishes, or doing laundry, or any of my usual chores. The amount I pay for rent and board hasn’t been adjusted to reflect the hours I spend in helping them earn money. It’s getting physically hard to maintain my schedule and keep regular sleeping hours.

Needless to say, it’s become a constant source of tension in our household, which is half the reason why I need to move out when it becomes possible. The other half of the reason: the only verbal communication we’re having these days centres around them calling me an ‘old maid’ every ten minutes (they don’t know about my dude person) as an unmarried 21-year-old female without potential Asian boyfriends is clearly going to become a crazy cat lady, and hassling me about getting a job lined up for next year, which, in itself is a source of stress which I’ll get into later.

Friends

This has been a problem for me since we moved last year. In our old suburb, I had numerous high school friends living within a half hour walk of my place. As a result, we’d constantly be in and out of each other’s houses doing something as simple as watching a DVD, staying for dinner, playing sports in the street, mocking teenage emos who walked past, etc, without more than two days going past where I wouldn’t see them at least once.

Since our move, my closest friends are half an hour’s drive away respectively. It’s now quite possible for me to go an entire fortnight without seeing any of my friends as the cost of petrol means that it’s financially impossible for me to drive to see them every two days. I now drive out for specific occasions only (birthdays, housewarmings, special get-together dinners, etc.), and miss out on the casual “hey, come over in ten minutes and we’ll watch hot men run around a football field in short shorts”.

To add to the problem, I’m the only person this affects. Everyone is still seeing each other regularly, so on the rare occasion that I do get to see them, they’re always referring to things that they’ve shared together, that I haven’t had the chance to be party to. For someone whose friends are her family, it hurts. Without the support of a friendship network, everything’s just a hundred times harder.

Relationships

It’s hard. It takes me approximately an hour (non-peak times) to drive to his place on the other side of Melbourne, which combined with the fact that he can’t come to my place, the cost of petrol, and conflicting schedules, means we see each other weekly at most. It’s been just over five months, but as we don’t have the means of seeing each other more regularly, it feels like a much shorter time. One could argue that this keeps the spice and anticipation in the relationship, but when it gets to the middle of week, and you’re feeling blue and need arms around you, spice and anticipation is the last thing you want. The warmth of another person is important, and it’s hard having that just once a week.

I realise that it’s nothing on people in long distance relationships who see their partners once a year or less. We’re not exactly split between Australia and Europe, where distance really is a problem, where you know, logically, that it’s impossible to be together so it makes it ‘alright’. It’s worse because though we live in the same city, we can still only see each other once a week. We could potentially be together more often, so this imperfect situation makes me hate the world and everything in it.

University/Work

I’m only doing two units this semester in order to finish off the last of my course requirements. Both are Chinese-based subjects (one is Chinese language, the other Chinese culture, history, and society). Both I love. Both I find it impossible to be motivated enough to study for or attend classes for. I love the subjects, and I do extra reading on the subject in my own time. The problem is that I don’t do the set readings, and I’m doing things at the last minute because I can’t bring myself to do it any earlier. It’s all been one huge ball of “What’s the fucking point anyway?”.

Job-wise, I’ve given up on looking for another part-time job to replace my current position as retail bitch. I’ve sent out applications, and each time, I’ve been rejected with “sorry, but we’re looking for someone more long-term”. I can understand their reasoning - why hire someone who’s graduating at the end of the year and will only be with you for five months, when you can hire someone who’s still in their first year of university and can work for you for two or three years? Even if they’re not as qualified, you can always train them, and at least it’ll save you looking for someone new at the end of the year, right? Logic aside, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck for me.

Regarding full-time work for next year (contentious topic in my household), it’s been hard. I missed the deadline for all the graduate positions in government departments (I was in denial about leaving the university lifestyle, and wanted to put off reality, which I realise is extremely stupid so you don’t need to lecture me), so there were slim pickings. Ideally, what was what I was looking for was something administrative, organisational, and people-oriented (e.g. Human Resources) at a large international company, where I could spend the first two years in a Melbourne or Sydney office, then transfer to an overseas office for foreign experience for a few years before returning to Melbourne to breed.

I’d pinned my hopes on a single position at a company which specialised in security, defense, and air systems, a positon which fit all my requirements. I’d concentrated my efforts to getting that job - repeatedly tweaking my application, researching the company in depth, etc. After getting through the first couple of rounds (email application, online aptitude testing, phone interview, group interview, individual interview, panel interview), I was pipped at the post. I know I should see the positives -there were over five hundred people vying for the one position and I made it to the final three which shows that I have definite employability potential. All I can focus on however, is the final failure.

Now because I have concentrated my energies on the one position, I find myself at a loss. There’s not many graduate opportunities still open for application this late in the year that even vaguely fit my requirements. Of the ones that are available, the listed salaries aren’t great, or there’s some other aspect (unusual working hours, little or no superannuation contribution, no vacation time, etc.) which is unattractive. I’m terrified that I’ll settle for something monotonous, and end up yet another 9-to-5 drone, living their entire life in the same suburb of the same city with no world experience.

Basically, I’m feeling despondent about the future because it looks like I might have to keep working in maternity wear until I find something vaguely promising…and at this point, it looks like it might take longer than anticipated.

Miscellaneous

The lack of time I have to do things that I enjoy and which make me happy (travelling and extreme sports for example - I don’t even have a spare day to book my aerochuting experience or to go for that day of pampering) just contributes to all of this melancholy. In the past, when I’ve been feeling particularly shit, I’ve always taken myself off to China, to New Zealand, even to something as close to home as Cobden and Sydney. I don’t have that option now as it’ll be November before I have any extended period of time off. I don’t even know if I could stand another two months of this.

On a more superficial level, I know that I’m gaining weight because I’m comfort-eating (fruit, yoghurt, and raw veggies, but comfort-eating all the same), but I can’t stop myself. My hair is falling out because of the stress, and I’m getting skin rashes like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t feel in top shape physically, and it’s affecting me mentally.

Stacking up everything in my life, I can’t help but feel as though it’s one negative after another. I can’t see any positives, which is a first in my life, and it frightens me. Life frightens me.

It’s been a ridiculously long entry, so thank you if you managed to get to this point. I’m not asking for sympathy because I know that most of the complaints listed can be corrected over time and with a bit of effort on my part, and heck, most of these problems are only in my mind, but right now, everything is just a huge veil of blackness that seems impossible to remove.

Cooking and eating balanced meals would be a problem. I can bake cookies and cakes better than anyone else I know, I make a mean salad, excel at plain soup noodles, can handle a simple pasta dish, and my sandwiches are to die for. When it comes to the well-rounded meat and three veg, any seafood dishes, or anything else though, I’m less than adequate. For someone who grew up in a household run by two former cooks who rarely let their progeny invade their ’space’, I’m used to excellent cooking provided to me by others. There’s only so many cakes, cookies, salads, soup noodles, pasta dishes, and sandwiches that I can eat before yearning for something more sophisticated.

Cleaning would present a problem as well. I can wash dishes, dust, and vacuum with the best of them, but when it comes to the down-and-dirty cleaning, I’m a bit hopeless. Scrubbing soap scum off showers, and cleaning toilets? Erm, what? You mean it’s not just magically clean? (Laundry won’t be a problem, I’m excellent at laundry.)

Automobile maintenance would be a problem. I drive and fill up the petrol tank - that’s about the extent of my automobile knowledge. My father takes care of checking both cars for wheel air pressure, changing engine oil, etc. If I were to move out, my wheels would be entirely flat and the engine would fall out onto the road before I even realised that anything was wrong.

With all that said, I’m going to have to move out at some point before I go batshit insane. A long and lingering death would be preferable to continuing to live under the strict traditional Asian parental roof.

Still fixing up little quirks here and there. Criticise me and tell me I’m an idiot.

1. Charlotte Chandler - Not The Girl Next Door (Joan Crawford, A Personal Biography): Complete opposite of “Mommie Dearest”, read both for full portrait.
2. David Mendell - Obama: From Promise To Power: Definitely a pro biography, with not much balance in cons.
3. Sean Smith - Jennifer, the Unauthorised Biography: Light and inconsequential, most details taken from tabloids and Wikipedia.
4. Xinran - What The Chinese Don’t Eat: Collection of Guardian articles exploring the modern Chinese female identity.

Fiction

1. Cecelia Ahern - Thanks For The Memories: Like all subsequent novels, not quite “P.S. I Love You”.
2. Elizabeth Aston - The True Darcy Spirit: Barely related to canon, portrait of an independent Regency heroine.
3. Louise Candlish - Since I Don’t Have You: From ink on pages, loss and grief enters your soul.
4. Leslie Carroll - Choosing Sophie: Questions of genetic connections and environment, amongst burlesque and baseball.
5. Georgette Heyer - Pistols For Two: Short stories give quick soundbites of happily cliched Regency romance.
6. Nicola Kraus & Emma McLaughlin - Citizen Girl: Sacrifice your morals in the big city and corporate world.
7. Paul Magrs - Never The Bride: Bemusing combination of supernatural elements and lively senior citizen frolics.
8. Christine Matthews (editor) - Deadly Housewives: It’s true: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
9. Fidelis Morgan - The Rival Queens: Excellently discreet tongue-in-cheek references for the modern reader.

Movies

1. 12 Monkeys (1995): Mind-bending plot twists, straight from the dark imagination of Gilliam.
2. Baby Mama (2008): Suck shit Christopher Hitchens, who says female comedians aren’t funny?
3. Employee of the Month (2006): Mindless entertainment of the physical comedy variety. B-list Frat Pack.
4. John Tucker Must Die (2006): Coterie of B-list actresses star in a B-list teen comedy.
5. Just Like Heaven (2005): Much better than the short chick lit novel, believably sweet.

I really can’t understand this kind of ignorance. Not being able to name Charles II’s main mistress and the number of children they had together, or the date that Vasco de Gama sailed to Asia…yeah, that I can understand. It’s not crucial information, it’s simply an interesting tidbit. However, not knowing the general details of the War of the Roses (two royal families fighting for the throne!) or the American Civil War (Confederates and Unionists fighting each other over emancipation of the black slaves!), or general facts about any large historical event is simply ignorant.

The butterfly effect of world events means that if there’s a civil war in one corner of the world, you’ll be feeling the repercussions of this a hundred years down the track in the opposite corner. Don’t understand why petrol prices have risen? Go back in history to when Anglo-Saxons aggravated racial and religion tensions in the Middle East by relocating an entire culture, tensions that have carried through to the present and triggered the incompetent “War on Terrorism” carried out by the Bush administration. So want to blame someone for high petrol prices? Blame your ancestors for playing God in the Middle East.

Didn’t learn history in school? Not an excuse. In the modern information age, everything is at your fingertips. Type “world history” into Google and you get a billion and one results. You don’t even have to delve into the thick and fact-filled historical tomes that I favour, as the proliferation of novels and novellas that dramatise historical events (think any novel by Phillipa Gregory) means you can read about history in easily-digestible fictionalised terms. In fact, you know what? Start reading Terry Deary’s “Horrible Histories” book series aimed at elementary-age children. There’s well over thirty different books in this series now, all dealing with a different event/country/era of world history. They’re not large on the details, but they’re great for providing facts in amusingly-phrased bite-sized morsels. It’s not too mind-taxing (it is aimed at ten-year-olds), but it will give you a good overall picture of history.

Whatever you read or watch (movies with a historical basis are notoriously bad with details, but they’re a good place to start), just start educating yourself. No one wants to be an ignoramous.

I was talking about it with the dude fella, and I came to the conclusion that originally, my constant drive to improve my 1337 designs and coding skillz0rz (ha!) was for one simple purpose: to impress. I wanted to be a top honcho in our little corner of the interwebs, and to have everyone look up to me, or at the very least, to look to me for an opinion on X, Y, or Z.

Then I lost that ambition. I didn’t care about becoming the most 1337 person on the interwebs anymore. I became realistic, and understood that it wasn’t going to happen because I simply don’t have an eye for design, nor do I have a steady flow of creativity. On the bright side, I figured out there was something that I can do, that very few others can. I can blog daily, telling the story of my life, and yet still manage to keep the large majority of my entries entertaining and worthy of a read. Beat that!

(Doesn’t solve the problem of a much-needed new layout though!)

I watch the Olympics, and I become a swimmer, a diver, a gymnast, an athlete. I watch football, and I become the first female professional footballer in the Australian Football League. I go to a concert, and I become an awesome musician. I watch/read Lord of the Rings, and I became an elf. I watch/read Harry Potter, and I became a witch.

I watched So You Think You Can Dance? on Wednesday night. Australia’s only just getting into the final eight contestants of the last American season, despite the fact that the season already finished in America weeks ago. Yes, I know Joshua won (Wikipedia, thank you), but I like to watch it for the routines anyway.

Anyway. I become an awesome dancer in all styles whenever I watch the show. I dance jazz, I tango, I crump, I disco, and I even dance Bollywood as good as Katee and Joshua did. My lines are perfect, my footwork is impressive, and I am the best dancer in the world.

Then the show ends and, well, I’m not. Not anymore. I’m back to the dancer I really am - a really average dancer at best, a “well, the best thing I can say is that at least she doesn’t trip over her own feet” dancer at worst. Fantasies are good while they last though.